We want a pitcher, not a really bad heckler!

As everyone knows, there is good heckling and bad heckling. Good heckling, for example, may be inspired when one sees a cyclocross racer one knows in first place during a race. One may then take the classic approach to run after him/her banging a cow bell and repeatedly yelling "I CAN SEE YOU!!!" during a difficult part of the course.

Unfortunately, it seems that bicyclists on city streets do not inspire such ingenuity and tact. In such cases, the heckles are typically:

-Pedal faster!
-AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! (typically a tragically failed attempt by teenage pedestrians to scare a bicyclist out of their 3 foot bike lane and into the path of 45 mph traffic).
-Get a car! (I have a car)

The latter I can only comprehend as to mean something along the lines of "I take offense to your use of human-powered transportation. I am increasingly concerned that children can play outside without suffering severe respiratory problems, that you are not doing your share to increase the demand for oil, and that you are not in a vehicle in front of me leading to greater road congestion."

All these taunts are painfully disappointing. So painful that I can do nothing but extract my revenge. These people don't even know the beginning of what they have messed with. Them and the Chinese. Which, upon seeing a Chinese tourist, I will now retaliate for their unspeakable deeds by yelling "外國人！" and demand to take my picture with said Chinese tourist. I digress.

You might think I will take my revenge with the typical taunts hurled from bicyclists that include

-[reference to peacefulness/nature/something happy/unicorns] KILLER!
-Road Hog!
-Get off your $@%#@$% cell phone, and watch the !#$#@% road!

No, I know these hecklers of bicyclists-on-city-streets too well. I know their weaknesses, their most inner hopes and fears, and I will use that. They will grovel and burst into tears as I heckle, yelling out from my bicycle to cars and teenage pedestrians alike:

-Drive faster!
-AAAAAAAAHHHHH!
-Get a moped!

Soon, the streets will be empty as all cower in sheer terror.

Chinese Teaching

After spending a year being taught Chinese by an overzealous, terrifyingly well-educated Korean man and a Taiwanese lady married to a man who inspired so much moral obligation to do his class work that he should have been a general sending troops into Normandy, I think I have this whole language teaching down. I might even jump on the whole teach English in China sea-worthy-vessel-of-transportation. I've already got some of my lessons planned. Here's the first page of lesson 1 of 26: