I had a sick feeling well up inside of me. I felt my blood drain, my heart sink into my stomach, and my brain melt. I was ready to vomit. I wanted to stand up and walk out. To just get away. Why am I here? I now know better than this.
I did not leave. There would be consequences for leaving. I had the choice to play along, to come out OK, or to leave and have problems. I have found myself, once again, hostage to myself in a bizarre system. This time, at least, I know what is going on. I just need to play along for a little longer, then I will be free. I believed that years ago. That there was something to it, there was something good and worthwhile in the future. The alleged light is little more than a carrot on a stick. It was not worth following. Follow my heart, not the idiotic dogma of train tracks laid in front of me. So much has gone to waste. I was just out of this tunnel, so how am I back in here so quickly? I am ready to blow my way out. It's too dangerous. Give it a couple weeks, then I will be clear. If I am not, all bets are off. Waiting is too much an excuse for inaction, but now it is what I must accept.
My blood stained my clothes, but I got up to heal and push forward. In another time I had lost my way. I found it now, and I've left clues how to find it again. I'll fall again, get lost again, but as long as there is life in me, until it kills me, I will get back up, clean myself off, and move forward. I know what I need to do, when I get through this. I need to do it, and I need to avoid this place.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
A few days after an argument over bikes on public roads
Reasons given for having a blackeye, stitches, scrapes, a limp, and soreness throughout my body (besides the "you should see the other guy"/"you should see the car").
-"I made fun of cal-poly one too many times."
-"I challenged someone to a dance-off."
-"Randy was not pleased with my paper presentation yesterday."
-"Loyce, did not take kindly to the question I had about 585"
-"I talked to Bernard about my PhD application, and things got a bit heated."
-When he walked into class and saw me, a friend yelled "Oh my God, Steven! What did Loyce do to you?" Loyce is the professor that was at the front of the room.
Reasons I wish I was in this condition:
-Saving baby orphans stranded on K-2
Reasons I was in this condition:
-Bike crash on the way home last night.
I was doing 20 or 25. The details of what exactly happened are fuzzy. I remember pulling out of a street and onto a main road behind one car with another car a hundred yards or so back. Then my memory is briefly blank only to restart with the feeling of myself struggling to keep control of the bike, like I had trouble keeping it upright. There's no visual memory of it, just tactile. My feet were then off the pedals and sliding over the ground. I must have been out of the saddle and still over the bike (this happened to me in another near crash when a foot pulled out of the pedal). It felt like a dream.
Then I remember laying in the road with pain throughout my body. Still no visual memory, and it felt like another dream. I crawled to get out of the road, although I'm not sure how I picked the right direction. Three people ran up to me from different sides telling me to stay still. I realized, with disappointment, that it was not a dream. I really was laying in the road, at night, after a bike crash, and in a whole lot of pain.
Only later did it occur to me how hard I must have hit the ground. Fortunately nothing broke, and I should be back in shape soon enough.
As for the bike, I only caught a glimpse before the fire fighters loaded it up and I got in the ambulance. The front wheel was considerably bent. Hopefully the frame is OK.
-"I made fun of cal-poly one too many times."
-"I challenged someone to a dance-off."
-"Randy was not pleased with my paper presentation yesterday."
-"Loyce, did not take kindly to the question I had about 585"
-"I talked to Bernard about my PhD application, and things got a bit heated."
-When he walked into class and saw me, a friend yelled "Oh my God, Steven! What did Loyce do to you?" Loyce is the professor that was at the front of the room.
Reasons I wish I was in this condition:
-Saving baby orphans stranded on K-2
Reasons I was in this condition:
-Bike crash on the way home last night.
I was doing 20 or 25. The details of what exactly happened are fuzzy. I remember pulling out of a street and onto a main road behind one car with another car a hundred yards or so back. Then my memory is briefly blank only to restart with the feeling of myself struggling to keep control of the bike, like I had trouble keeping it upright. There's no visual memory of it, just tactile. My feet were then off the pedals and sliding over the ground. I must have been out of the saddle and still over the bike (this happened to me in another near crash when a foot pulled out of the pedal). It felt like a dream.
Then I remember laying in the road with pain throughout my body. Still no visual memory, and it felt like another dream. I crawled to get out of the road, although I'm not sure how I picked the right direction. Three people ran up to me from different sides telling me to stay still. I realized, with disappointment, that it was not a dream. I really was laying in the road, at night, after a bike crash, and in a whole lot of pain.
Only later did it occur to me how hard I must have hit the ground. Fortunately nothing broke, and I should be back in shape soon enough.
As for the bike, I only caught a glimpse before the fire fighters loaded it up and I got in the ambulance. The front wheel was considerably bent. Hopefully the frame is OK.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Why do people keep making TV shows about places I live!?
Unlike the OC, I feel like Portlandia hits the mark. Too well.
For example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVmq9dq6Nsg
Now that I watch it safely removed, it's hilarious and silly, but if I came across that crowd while biking in my spandex in Portland, it would mean as much to me as seeing backed up traffic in LA. Actually, I would probably be annoyed with all the people constantly clogging the bike routes. To not see people like that in a normal day in Portland would be the ridiculous thing.
The other sketches are no better (or worse?).
For example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVmq9dq6Nsg
Now that I watch it safely removed, it's hilarious and silly, but if I came across that crowd while biking in my spandex in Portland, it would mean as much to me as seeing backed up traffic in LA. Actually, I would probably be annoyed with all the people constantly clogging the bike routes. To not see people like that in a normal day in Portland would be the ridiculous thing.
The other sketches are no better (or worse?).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)